Criticism And Defensiveness Loop That Kills Relationships

Is it just nit-picking, or is it outright criticism?

When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, you might find yourself nit-picking at the little things your partner does that frustrate and annoy you… or have your partner do the same to YOU. 

When our partner criticizes us and points out something we’re supposedly doing wrong, of course, it’s natural to feel really hurt. 

No one likes to be evaluated, scrutinized, and assessed. It doesn't feel good. Especially when it’s coming from the person who meant to love us the most, our partner.  

We want to feel comforted, soothed, safe, heard, seen, and loved in our relationships. We want to believe our partner is on our side and has our back. That they are our biggest cheerleaders.

So naturally, when that person is critical of us, it can feel like an attack. And in an effort to protect ourselves from that attack, we get defensive, and we go into fight or flight mode to survive. 

The person receiving the criticism will feel insulted, and think “ouch, this hurts.”

So they’ll try to defend themselves by saying, "that's not true, and here's why… it's not true because of XYZ”. 

The volume of your voices rises, body language and hand gestures get more expressive, and before long, it escalates into a combative argument, going back and forth in a vicious criticism/defense/criticism/defense loop.

Or perhaps one or both of you just completely shuts down into silent resentment. 

If you're the one doing the criticizing or nit-picking, you might not realize just how much it’s impacting your partner.

You might think you’re just giving them helpful feedback about something that frustrates you or that YOU believe they could be doing in a different way. 

But it doesn’t FEEL helpful to your partner… it feels hurtful. 

On the flip side… your partner constantly doing things that upset, frustrate or annoy you, or leave you feeling unsafe can feel really hurtful too. 

So how do you communicate your needs and your feelings without it coming across in a hurtful way, or triggering your partner’s defense mechanisms?

When your partner is nit-picking or criticizing you, try saying this to yourself…

Example-Recognizing that your buttons are being pushed.

Example-Taking a deep breath

Example-Stating you’re feeling defensive, and you don’t want to react in a negative way. So I am going to take some time to clear my head, and let’s circle back when I’m feeling less defensive.

When you need to give your partner feedback about something that is frustrating or upsetting you, try saying…

Example-When you are criticizing me, I feel belittled.

Example-In the future, please tell me what you like verse what you don’t like.

Example-Then we can problem-solve together how we want to move forward.

If you feel like criticism has been slowly damaging your relationship, I’d love to help. Book in for my FREE 20-Min Lasting Love Discovery Session, where we'll get to the bottom of why you're finding it so difficult to communicate your needs without becoming critical or defensive.